I am Number What?

I am Number Crap—I mean—Four, is actually quite … crap. I wasted my Gold Rolex and almost two hours of my life span watching this … crap. Now, before you take my review seriously and decide not to put I am Number Four on your Top 200 Things to Do Before You Kick the Bucket, actually, I want you to consider … watching it. Seriously. I’m not kidding.

It was crap. But it was a kind of crap that made me kind of tolerate the stale popcorn I was eating. And the guy who is Number Four was actually quite crap in most of the scenes that it beat the whole crap out of me.

Number Four aka John Smith (I always knew that Pocahontas’ sort-of bf had a name that haunted generations of people who didn’t know what better names to name themselves) looks pretty human to me, even though he’s supposed to be this sort of alien from a planet called Lorien. I mean, John could have assimilated well with mankind if he wanted to. He really looks human! That’s the problem. You can’t look human if you’re from another planet. Unless you’re from planet Earth. Not Lorien. I was hoping that the Smith boy at least had antennas or something. I mean, he’s supposed to be alien.

And apparently. being Number Four gives him the luck he needs. No. 1,2 and 3 all died. 4 survived. In Chinese cultures, 4 is … you know … bad luck or something. But our dear John Smith beats the odds. I guess it’s all about possessing bluish-ray kind of powers and the ability to hover in the sky like Jackie Chan.

And in this movie, it doesn’t matter if you’re an alien or a human. As long as you have a you-know-what in your pants, you’re always drawn to a girl. And it doesn’t matter if that girl is alien or human. But she’s human, for the record. And her name is Sarah.

John Smith (alien or not) is attracted to Sarah. In every movie, it’s always about the guys being attracted to the girls or something (Brokeback Mountain being the exception). So like I said, as long as John Smith has that thing hanging around, he’s bound to be attracted to the girl.

And the whole thing about this movie is that John is on the run from the Mogadorians, a group of creepy fellows with eyes that looked … creepy. And that’s the whole point of the movie. Running away was the main thing. Hiding yourself. And Henri, John’s Guardian, is responsible for taking care of him.

But somehow, Henri dies in the end. The Guardian always dies. Yes, he/she always seems to have the bad luck in almost every movie I’ve seen. Why couldn’t they just let Henri live? I mean, he’s not Number Four, four being the operative word. I guess John Smith’s gonna make the number four a hot number in next year’s lucky bet.

The Mogadorians finally trace John, because he actually releases a scent that their dog-like nose could detect.

And why does the climax or the ending always have to take place in a high school? Typical. Just so typical.

I mean, there are so many places to find shelter from the creepy Mogadorians. Like maybe the morgue, or the bank (wouldn’t be so bad spending time with green notes). But why high school??? Yes, I know it’s getting cheesy.

But I think the school’s the only place where John and Sarah can make out in the end (that is, if the Mogadorians don’t splatter their blood everywhere on the gym walls). Yes, happy endings with lots of kissings always happens in the school. I guess Sarah knows it when she decides that they run there for safety.

So all the battle scenes happen in the school. The Mogadorians exhibited their kung-fu skills with their machine guns, trying to take down John and a girl known as Number Six. Six obviously had lots of training prior to this. I mean, she was like kung-fu all over the place.

And John, who had little training or zilch, practically decimates the Mogadorians like as if he’s been training in the basement since day one.

Sarah, powerless, keeps running away, screaming here and there. Only the addition of four and six equals ten can save her. So Sarah, is like, Number Ten.

John’s dog, Chimera, gave John a heart attack when he found out that his dog can transform into this monstrous creature with eerie eyes and sharp teeth. He’d never known about this. I mean, why didn’t anybody ever let him know??? I mean, he should know. It’s his dog. So John has been harboring a dangerous dog all these years without knowing it. But John doesn’t have to worry, really. It’s not like Chimera will bite his head off.

So Chimera actually does a little battle with evil.

And in the end, the good guys won. As always.

And I think that Number Six was slightly a bit jealous that John and Sarah are together. But there will be sequels. There will be sequels. Who knows? Six may slowly seduce John away from Sarah’s loving arms. In the next sequel.

The movie gave me the impression that there is going to be another sequel, whether you like it or not. When they said that they needed to find Mark (John’s sort-of buddy)’s father, whom they thought had been kidnapped by aliens … I knew there will be a SEQUEL.

The sequel will probably cover the search for Mark’s father, and maybe, just maybe … the love triangle between John, Six, and Sarah. Just probably. I’m just sayin’.

So did this movie satisfy me? Did it make me go bounce off into the roof with joy?

You’ll have to see this for yourself. Because like I said, it’s crap.

It’s crap that’s worth watching. If you’re into a freak with powers. Or some kind of teenage movie that sorts of bring you back to your teenage memory lane. Minus creepy aliens, lots of cheesy air kung-fu and people with numbers as their names.

If you’re all for that, then you can sail through this movie as though you’ve just crossed the parted Red Sea.

Yes, you may enjoy this movie.

If you’re lucky enough.